Self-Practice
Summer has been eventful! We spent time with family on the west coast for multiple weeks, and Tommy and I had our first night away from the boys. It was splendorous. I am ready for multiple nights away from my children. It was so rejuvenating to reconnect with Tommy uninterrupted. If you are a parent who is in your head about how emotionally challenging this will be, remember that those feelings are valid, but you can’t move through them without practice.
Speaking of practice, I was recently in an indoor playspace and there was a moment when Mateo was putting something in his mouth (when will this end?) and someone got my attention to let me know. I checked on him, and said “Thank you for helping me keep my child safe” to the person who noticed.
I’m still working on it, but I have noticed how easy it is to feel immediate shame for anything that could have me be perceived as careless, or a failure of some sort. Collectively, we are hyper critical about what mothers do or do not do, and being a Black mother adds another barricade towards receiving grace. In the instance I just mentioned, it was so refreshing to simply thank the adult who saw something that I missed without the gnawing feeling that I’m the mother who “insert an insulting phrase here.”
I believe fixating on how we are perceived doesn’t build the skill to move through a challenging emotion, or prioritize what actually matters. In this case, this person’s genuine acknowledgement for the well being of my child. Don’t get me wrong, there are plenty of people who need to mind their business and swallow their judgements. However, today, I want to focus on how trying to govern the way people view and rank you among others is a fruitless distraction. It is ongoing labor with momentary emotional respite. It bypasses the questions we could be focusing on instead.
What do I need?
Did I find and create joy with my child/children today?
When was the last time I had fun?
Why do I care what this person/people think about me? How does it hold me back?
The questions are endless, but they free me from a bubble of severe and unforgiving assessments. They rattle the cycle of perfection, and most importantly, they remind me to see myself in my totality. I hope you don’t find yourself spending time diminishing your stamina for someone or something that only caught a glimpse of who you might be.